Another Batch

[drplokta]

Some more Minions are appointed below. However, I'd like to point out that I expect my Minions to go out there and lay down the law in their field of responsibility -- so far, only the Minion i/c Vanuatu has done anything. Unless I see some action soon, the wave of mass Minion appointments will be closely followed by a wave of mass Minion sackings, possibly involving piranhas.

vampwillow is Minion i/c Coffee.
the_gardener is Minion i/c Brassica and Minion i/c Legumes.
redbird is Minion i/c Tea.

And in a departure from food:
swisstone is Minion i/c Railways.
ffutures is Minion i/c Not Being Devoured by Chtulhoid Entities. I hope he realises that this means he has to deal with fluffcthulhu.

Comments

A Jester's Offering

[whotheheckami.livejournal.com]

This is the best I can offer today:

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

What other duties should I expect?

Can I using biting satire to ridicule my leige-lord's more dubious proclomations or should I just wave a bladder on a stick?

Re: A Jester's Offering

[drplokta]

Ah yes, and whotheheckami is Court Jester. Although any more jokes like that may result in the rapid deployment of the piranhas.

[ang-grrr.livejournal.com]

You can't rush good tuber legislation.

[swisstone.livejournal.com]

On my way, Mr Dictator, yes sir!

Tea edicts

[redbird]

1. Any restaurant, cafe, or other commercial establishment that offers black tea (a.k.a. "red tea" if you're Chinese, a.k.a. India/Ceylon as distinct from Japanese or Chinese green teas) for sale must use boiling water to make the tea.

2. Cold teas for sale must have been brewed as real tea, and then chilled. Yes, they may contain sweeteners, fruit juice, or other ingredients, but only as labeled on the packaging. "Iced tea powders" are hereby banned. "Sun tea" is acceptable for the brewing of cold tisanes, but not of actual tea made from the leaves of Camellia sinensis.

[vampwillow]

Any coffeemade from powders or granules or liquids to which boiling water is added are henceforth defined as dishwater and must never - on pain of insertion of piranhas in naughty places - *never* be referred to as "coffee".

The use of ultimate force is sanctioned against anyone who tries to offer you such abusive substances.

[ang-grrr.livejournal.com]

I legislated!

http://www.livejournal.com/users/ang_grrr/516481.html

[redbird]

Tea edict the third:

Tea must not be brewed or served in vessels that have been contaminated by coffee.

Explanation: Coffee is a strong and lasting flavor, and pouring boiling water through a filter or other system that has been used for coffee will cause the water to pick up enough coffee flavor that it should not be used for tea. This edict does not require separate tea and coffee cups, if you clean your dishes properly between uses.

O Dictator: I have been asked to issue an edict about tisanes. Before I consider the matter further, is this within my dominion as Minion in charge of tea?

[shsilver.livejournal.com]

Minionize Me!

O Great Dark Lord

[pmcmurray.livejournal.com]

This minion grovels to report that he is next arriving in Australia on 16th March, and will take careful notes of room for improvements for future legislation, starting with John Howard... and a sharp axe.

[drplokta]

What area of responsibility would you like?

[drplokta]

Yes, go ahead, by all means.

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

As Minion i/c Not Being Devoured by Chtulhoid Entities, I hearby decree that Cthulhoid Entities must obey all relevant Health and Safety Executive and EPA regulations before devouring minions. That ought to give the world a few decades of breathing space...

[armb.livejournal.com]

Can I be Minion i/c feeding people who design supposed cycling facilities that actually discourage cycling and then pretend they don't understand the problems with them to the lions?

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

Can I be Minion i/c Workhouses?

Bugger. Seem to be already.

OK, how about Minion i/c Mandating Apple Computers?

[bohemiancoast.livejournal.com]

You know, it is possible that there's a fanzine article in this.

[miramon.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking that...

[fluffcthulhu.livejournal.com]

As I am a Cthulhoid entity, and you are a mere pathetic minion, My only response to that is that you'd better find yourself a Cthulhu-proof hat before the next convention. Not that such a thing exists, of course...

[coalescent.livejournal.com]

Can I be minion i/c genres, please? I have Plans.

[shsilver.livejournal.com]

Does someone have ice cream yet? I can be minion i/c i/c.

[green-amber.livejournal.com]

I lalready got it :-P

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

http://www.hse.gov.uk/biosafety/gmo/acgm/acgmcomp/2a6.pdf

And that's just for openers...

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

Oh, and read

http://www.archive.official-documents.co.uk/document/doh/spongifm/part-1.htm

while you're at it. Not to mention

http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/pls/portal/url/ITEM/B42FB023EC9E5E52E0340003BA0AE38B

[fluffcthulhu.livejournal.com]

Ah, it's about work, and only seems to apply if I were going to culture stuff, rather than just devouring it for fun. I will pay attention to it should the supply of brains ever get so short that I have to grow My own.

Of course, you can bring that eventuality a little closer if you just place your head under My tentacles.

[fluffcthulhu.livejournal.com]

I have devoured brains, even British ones, for thousands of years, and there has yet to be any sign of Me being infected with anything, and especially not CSE. I suspect the germs go insane and die horribly when they try. The second item is only relevant when My minion is willing (and has genuinely donated their brain, rather than Me using the word "donate" as a very funny Cthulhu joke) and only if I decide to play with My food conduct research on the brain. Making brain smoothies is no longer an experimental procedure, and doesn't count.

[drplokta]

Well, you got rights to reprint my legislation. But I'll probably write up the whole Global Dictator thing for Plokta, without including my legislation.

[frandowdsofa.livejournal.com]

Global Dictators don't tend to have parliaments, I think, but an officially sanctioned Meeting of the Minions at Paragon2 could be arranged?

[drplokta]

Oh, by all means. I'm thinking of doing official Minion badges, too.

[frandowdsofa.livejournal.com]

I'll get back to you this evening with potential days/times/venues.